i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
