My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
