i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You're a waste of cheezeits
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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