walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Drunk is a universal language darling
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