Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
