Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
