Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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