I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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