If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
