We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
