Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
