I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
