i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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