I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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