I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
