chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
