I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
