She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
