I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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