Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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