I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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