You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
