ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
