Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
