i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
