Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
