I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I believe in your delicious
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
