why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
