when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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