I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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