I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
