i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
