Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
