Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize