Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
