Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
