I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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