His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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