You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
