she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
