I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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