She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
