biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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