I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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