Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
