I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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