Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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