Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
