Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
