When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
