Will you blow on my dice?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I will pee on everything he values.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
