The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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