Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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