if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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