bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
