I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
