Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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