Plan B is the new Plan A
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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